Evening – Day 9

Just finished watching a “rom com” with my husband and wanted to write a recap before drifting off to sleep…

I wanted to note that I have been feeling really balanced these last few days…a feeling hard to put into words. I’m feeling more energetic at work. I’m not tired after lunch, I’m not snacking. No crazy hunger pangs. It’s been feeling like less of a struggle to avoid sweets. I’m getting into a good groove.

Tonight was an interesting experiment. I had sent Kegan to a vegan bake sale that was held in the neighborhood since I had to work during the day and couldn’t attend. I was looking forward to coming home to those delightful little treats, and I felt like I had earned them. I didn’t snack on anything all day and ate a healthy dinner of a jerk chickpea wrap from the Yum Universe recipes.

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Looks dangerous, right? Well, I dug into one of the cupcakes, and I told myself I was going to really savor each bite. I wanted to gauge my body’s physical response to the sweets since I hadn’t eaten things like that in what seemed like a long time. Now, mind you, I don’t know exactly what the ingredients were beyond being vegan and gluten-free. But, I’m guessing they weren’t wholesome ingredients like the ones I’ve been using in the Yum Universe recipes. The first treat Kegan and I had sampled tasted like a banana cupcake with peanut butter frosting. I ate my half. It’s kind of my nature to nibble a sample of everything to see what I like best…so I continued to the next cupcake. It was chocolate with chocolate frosting, and I had a small bite…eh, I could’ve stopped there. I went on to a bite of a coffee cupcake, a chocolate cheesecake-type bar, and a coconut chocolate truffle. Nothing was wowing me. Now, granted, they just might not have been the best sweets. But, I think there was something more to that. They just didn’t “serve me”. I think my body has begun calibrating itself from it’s highs and lows, and it didn’t need the “spike” that I usually rely on from sugar. I know it seems silly to go on about this. But, honestly, this is my weakness. I often trivialize it, because, heck, it’s not alcohol. But, my connections with foods and the effect they have on my mood is so incredibly powerful.

In some ways, I consider myself to be lucky that I’m attuned to the way food makes me feel; it’s helped me discover foods that make me feel really good. On the other hand, it’s caused me to feel at times obsessive about something other people just seem to not make such a big deal about. It’s embarrassing, so I pretend like it’s not really something that I’m bothered by. We all “pig out”, right?

I can remember distinct moments in my life when I found myself shifting away from the SAD (Standard American Diet). When going out to eat, I started ordering vegetarian entrees. I felt like I was cheating the system, because I could eat a whole meal without feeling uncomfortably full! How cool was that?! Then, a short time later, (as many women do when their wedding approaches), I looked for quick options to be the trimmest me. A great friend opened me to her experiences with raw food and cleanses. I started with a raw foods dessert book…it’s always the gateway to raw food. Then, I started eating hemp seeds and raw greens and lots of avocados. My skin was glowing, I saw a change. I could see my collarbones! The inflammation that I didn’t know existed in my body was disappearing.

Naturally, raw food was vegan (there are some exceptions to that like raw milk). But, the more I read books on raw food, the more I learned about the benefits of an animal-free diet (compassion, health, environmental). The raw thing didn’t sustain itself for long. We ate meat at the wedding, and went to Greece for the honeymoon; the seafood, yogurt, and feta were abundant! But, this was the start of a journey that I would become increasingly more passionate about…

Alas, here I am a few short years later…still learning a lot, and still struggling with the “highs” that I get from overeating. I’ve come a LONG way, and continue to learn so much. I am not obese, by any means. But, I struggle with balance. I know I can feel more vibrant when I eat beautiful nutrient dense foods. But when things are going well, I feel the need to “test the waters”, just to see if a treat will make me feel the same way. I sabotage things, I diminish the importance of my emotions. Inevitably, I can’t stop myself, and it snowballs into guilt…and often a stomachache and remorse. So, the next day, I feel too full for breakfast. I eat light and healthy, pack my healthy lunch for work…feel somewhat back to normal. Then, by the time night rolls around again, why not have a little chocolate? I’m just winding down…plus, I’m so tired. I worked hard today, screw it…

Well, tonight, I stopped. I told Kegan he could throw the rest of that stuff away. Seriously. I didn’t need it around. (Of course, he just insisted that we keep it, so he could eat it). But, I feel like I’m getting an actual grip on things. For now. For today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I’m off to bed without feelings of guilt. And that’s a huge hurdle.

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4 thoughts on “Evening – Day 9

  1. Thanks for sharing – it’s always nice to have the feeling that one or two bites of a sweet dessert is enough – that your brain doesn’t click into “eat it all!” mode

    • Thanks Rachel! I have enjoyed your blog, as well! In Chicago, we had something called the “Wellness Club” at our Whole Foods. Sadly, the program only lasted a little over a year, but it was very helpful in expanding my knowledge of the plant based diet. It had a library of books, cooking classes, nutrition classes, and even some exercise classes. I’m curious to know how similar the Health Starts Here program is, because I think they are implementing that now that the
      wellness club is gone…

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